Psychic Sild

It is a well documented fact that fish only have an eight second memory.

Many think it is because they are stupid and underdeveloped. In fact it is because they are so busy looking into the future that they have very little time for the present.

The most powerful of these soothsayer fish is the little known ocean sild. Especially when bathed in a rich tomato sauce.

The growing influence of dresslikeme has allowed us to hire one of these mystic mariners for the personal use of our readers. Here is the next report.

Fashion Overview:

Unlikely as it may seem, Mercury indicates that simple tarpaulin will be in fashion this week.

Whilst this may seem strange to many fashion aficionados, it is worth mentioning how versatile and hard wearing tarpaulin is.

And you can call it Tarp.

Saturday

CAPRICORN AQUARIUS PISCES
ARIES TAURUS GEMINI
CANCER LEO VIRGO
LIBRA SCORPIO SAGITTARIUS

CAPRICORN (22 December – 20 January)

A busy week is ahead as you discover that you have an identical twin sister, from whom you were parted at birth and now share telepathic abilities. If this sounds too much like the subject of a bad drama you would be right. Capricorns love BBC programming.

CANCER (22 June – 23 July)

On Monday you will buy a dresslikeme T-shirt. On Tuesday you will be swamped by admirers. Unfortunately by Friday, Venus the goddess of love will become jealous of your new found beauty and strike you down. Just one of those weeks really

AQUARIUS (21 January – 19 February)

With Leo prowling around after dark and Saturn smiling upon your shores, this would be an excellent week to start a new business venture. Unfortunately you are still hiding under the stairs trying to avoid your next door neighbour. Shame.

LEO (24 July – 23 August)

Your mother phones from Peru and tells you about her latest adventures. Unfortunately she fails to tell you that she had reversed the charges. £11.18 per minute for a conversation about rainforests is a high price to pay, even for a Leo. Solution: don’t answer your phone on Wednesday

PISCES (20 February – 20 March)

Sleep will escape you this week and you will spend your nights in a daze. Either Jupiter is interfering with your nocturnal bliss or the new Java coffee is too strong. Dr O suggests you switch to a milky drink before bed, I suggest you sacrifice a goat to appease the mighty planetary god. We can’t both be right.

VIRGO (24 August – 23 September)

Have you ever wondered why Virgo sounds remarkably like Virgin? No nor have I but surely it’s worth some research? Lucky stamp: Penny Red

ARIES (21 March – 20 April)

David Coulthard is due to visit on Thursday and ask you to redesign the new Maclaren. Apparently the straight line speed is excellent but there is too little grip under braking. Unfortunately you know nothing about cars, so pretend to be blind. That’ll fool him.

LIBRA (24 September – 23 October)

Imagine winning a holiday to the Maldives and staying in a five star hotel for two weeks with attendants pandering to your every need. Now imagine your work colleague winning and bragging about it all week. Sometimes it’s hard to be a Libra.

TAURUS (21 April – 21 May)

There really has never been a better time to be a Taurus. The local china shop is having a ‘break one get one free’ mega sale. Talk about kid in a candy store. Also on Tuesday you will discover that your mother is Anne of Green Gables. Good news all round.

SCORPIO (24 October – 22 November)

If you were under the impression that this week would bring untold joy and the love a beautiful woman you were well wide of the mark. If you thought that you would end the week being tarred and feathered you probably need to see a psychiatrist.

GEMINI (22 May – 21 June)

The legendary curse of the Incas will strike you on Wednesday, destroying all chance of your mending the guttering. On a more positive note the dollar is due to strengthen against the pound. Not positive for you personally but I have to look at the bigger picture

SAGITTARIUS (23 November – 21 December)

The full moon will bring with it a feeling of inner peace that will flow through you on Tuesday. This is just as well because on Monday you will be bitten by a dog and have to have nine injections in your stomach to save you from rabies. Never mind, concentrate on the inner peace.